Thanks

Posted 7:40 PM by Michelle
I am thankful that a year ago, my entire family rallied behind me and supported me when I up and moved to the other side of the country. Every member of my family held my hand, or laced their own hands together to give me a leg up into a better life.

I am thankful for my friends, who love me, who see me as I actually am and they celebrate me and they let me love them like crazy.

I am thankful for clarity, for realizing how dreadfully unhappy I was in my job in New York, and the effect that unhappiness had on my entire life. I am thankful that I can drain the moat, put the fire-breathing dragon to rest, lower the drawbridge, and creak open the iron gates surrounding my heart and realize that I know and love a hell of a lot of good people.

I am thankful for a job that allows me to be successful every single day. I don't have it in me every single day, but the possibility is always there.

I am thankful to be writing again.

I am thankful for direction.

I am thankful that I was born of great artists, and I am thankful for how that altered me from day one.

Most of all, I am thankful for my family. I know exactly how lucky I am to belong to this tribe.

Yeah... no.

Posted 9:38 AM by Michelle
Well, it wasn't exactly a waste of lipstick, but nor was it the one and only. I soldier on.

Foolishness

Posted 6:42 PM by Michelle
I seem to be incapable of giving up. Every time I say I have, every time I do something that indicates I have, something sad and silly endures and somehow I still believe I'm going to find that life partner who eludes me so thoroughly. I was talking to Sean today, and he was telling me how much he's learned from the people with whom he's been in relationships, and I so completely cannot relate. I haven't been in a serious relationship in almost four years- FOUR YEARS!- and my relationship before that one taught me only what is bad between two people. Before that, well, that goes back to spring of 1995. Doesn't even count. So I have only learned from my friends and family. I lucked out there, clearly, but I have no frame of reference as to how to relate to a man on a day-to-day basis, who is not family, but more than a friend, who could be smarter, cooler, wiser, and funnier than I am. I mean, wouldn't that just be lovely? Someone to tell me I'm being ridiculous, or terrific. What's that?

Back in the day, my ex used to call me, loaded and sad, crying because I wasn't there to tell him he was okay. This is when we were together but living in separate states because, well, he was an awful addict and a ridiculous man but I couldn't purge myself of him. He would cry and cry and tell me how he had to be the one to tell himself that he was okay. The problem was, he wasn't okay, not nearly, and yet I can see him, looking at his red, bloated, drunken (and still very handsome) face in the mirror, telling himself that all was well, that he was a good guy, that he deserved more in life than the sad lot before him. I really doubt he ever decided to tell himself that he was a mess.

Anyway, I haven't given up hope, because I brushed my hair and put on pink lipstick and I wait for the call to go on yet another first date. My life is filled with first dates. You could say that's better than no dates, but meeting more men is not the boost giving me faith that the right one is out there. Meeting more men is making me wonder if I simply come from another planet and that's why I can't find someone who fits. But... still... I go. I don't go with much hope, but I do go with as open a heart I can muster.