Thorns

Posted 8:40 PM by Michelle
My brother Sean is constantly writing great blogs about the theater world. He gets in trouble every now and then, but he also totally stands behind his words. I would love to write about the non-profit arts world, but I can't, not as much as I'd like. And yet, every day brings a new, bizzare event, and as my job is now largely my life, it's hard to sit down and write about anything else.

One thing we do in my company is a "Lessons Learned" session after any significant proposal or meeting. It's one of the best tools we have to give each other constructive criticism and really take apart what worked and what didn't. I do that with myself, on my own, a little every day, because my learning curve is so steep and sharp right now that sometimes it's hard to even see the top of the mountain, let alone manage to make it there. And the mountain is nothing like I thought it would be.

I didn't enjoy my work very much the last couple of days. That comes on the heels of weeks of feeling joy in the workplace. But my job has taken a subtle shift, and unless it shifts back... well, I don't know. I can't bear to be around people who are so resistant to change. I know they are out there, I know that they are hard to avoid, but I'm just not interested. And it is a thorn in my side.

The woman who had my job before me was accused of withholding information from the board, and I'm beginning to see why. When you have a dysfunctional board that micromanages the executive director, the director will never get anything done. And most of this week, my focus has been catching people up on the minute details of my job, rather than acutally accomplishing anything. Even though I know this is part of what I'm doing as an ED in an organization in a turn-around phase, even though I know it is necessary to train people to be functional, I'm not enjoying it. For the first time today, I thought about giving up. Not on my job, really, but on the organization. If I'm going to bust my ass, doing all this work to undo the damage of years of mismanagement, neglect, and exclusionism, and then get beat up over it... not interested. I'm not remotely worried about finding another great job. But I am worried about how I felt this week.

And the thing is, I absolutely love my job. I love it more than I've loved anything I've ever done, maybe even theater. It's the first time I've felt that all of my talents have been really challenged and used, in a situation where success is possible. I believe so deeply in what I do, and I look forward to my job every day. It is deeply satisfying, deeply meaningful. But if these fart-knockers want to get in my way because they feel they have to control everything, then they can look elsewhere for a director. I'm going to remind them what I've brought to the table, what my father has brought to the table, Where in god's name would they be without the team that brought me in? Well. They'd be long gone, and not missed. They know this better than I do.

I'm sure next week will be better. I'm sure that this too, will pass, and that it feels so bad because I'm now accustomed to feeling so good. But what do you do when your hard work and success are questioned not because of your performance but because change is scary? There will always be conflict, on every board, in every group, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Ouch

Posted 11:41 AM by Michelle
I got hit by a truck and then kicked while I was down yesterday, so what did I do? The only mature thing: drank myself into a stupor and fell asleep at the movies. Perfect.

I have some issues with my board. Or my board has some issues with me. There has been an undercurrent of divisiveness of late and it bloomed in the past few days like a joy-eating carnivorous spiky evil wood plant. I spent hours, hours on the phone yesterday, head on my desk, free arm dangling to the ground, trying to teach old, old dogs not just new tricks, but basic stuff like not peeing on the carpet or eating off the dinner table. These dogs don’t want to hear it. At one point yesterday, my boss and I reminded each other that we are but consultants, and can cut and run if these people are so determined to be dysfunctional. It was rough stuff.

But I’m back, a little late this morning, with a foggy head and blurry eyes and wondering how it was that I was shooting pool with strangers at some point last night. Hangovers are so specific, so detailed in their perfect fuzz and dull pain. I’m not sure if it was the booze, the lack of sleep, or the beating I took yesterday that is slowing me down today, but this morning I’m having a little trouble figuring out what it is I do for a living. Strange, how soft everything looks, like I can’t believe that my coffee cup isn’t folding gently into the panels of the desk. Or, wait, I’m just wishing my desk was a pillow.

Do you think that love hits you over the head, or do you think it eventually develops? Do you think it’s possible that the physical will almost always get in the way of the emotional? I just don’t know the answers anymore. I’ve seen people fall in love when it seemed impossible; I’ve thought I felt love but then a month later couldn’t remember why. I suppose, at a certain point, you have to be careful, methodical, and slow, but I’ve never been those things in this context. But doing it wrong differently seems so much more appealing now.

There is always time, if you want there to be. Yes, I’m wrapped up in work, yes, it’s the middle of harvest and everyone around the valley is working sixteen hour days. But there is always time. Speaking of which, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELIZABETH!!!! All you single men out there, you have totally missed the boat because one of the coolest, most elegant, funny, silly, HOT HOT HOT women in the world is madly in love already. Ya’ll should have jumped when ya had the chance. Many big wishes for a wonderful year, my good friend. Awfully glad you moved here.

And now back to my desk, the cool, cool, inviting plywood, the smooth, soft pages of the notepad, how I long to lay my head and end this day…