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Friday, July 04, 2003
Today's the 4th of July
Another June has gone by
and as they light up our town
I just think
What a waste of gunpowder and sky
A little homage, if you will, to the great Aimee Mann, and I will admit to hearing her song as the longest fireworks show ever hurtled across the Manhattan sky. It was almost too long. I almost got bored. And I wondered how many millions the display cost, and then wondered again how else that money could've been funneled into our struggling economy. Perhaps to save a firehouse? Perhaps to a soup kitchen? Perhaps into a bank account so I can save my apartment?
Ugh. I've become one of those leftists who see evil in everything but broccolli. And you bet your pants it better be organic.
I'm off to work a triple... There is little in the world worse than a Saturday double into Sunday morning. What is worse is an empty bank account. Somehow, though, I feel slightly euphoric. I can't explain it. I had a lovely night with a bunch of friends and it has left me tired and content.
Another June has gone by
and as they light up our town
I just think
What a waste of gunpowder and sky
A little homage, if you will, to the great Aimee Mann, and I will admit to hearing her song as the longest fireworks show ever hurtled across the Manhattan sky. It was almost too long. I almost got bored. And I wondered how many millions the display cost, and then wondered again how else that money could've been funneled into our struggling economy. Perhaps to save a firehouse? Perhaps to a soup kitchen? Perhaps into a bank account so I can save my apartment?
Ugh. I've become one of those leftists who see evil in everything but broccolli. And you bet your pants it better be organic.
I'm off to work a triple... There is little in the world worse than a Saturday double into Sunday morning. What is worse is an empty bank account. Somehow, though, I feel slightly euphoric. I can't explain it. I had a lovely night with a bunch of friends and it has left me tired and content.
I think I've figured it out. Umbridge is Bush. It's suddenly so clear to me why I had to finish the book, beyond just not being able to put it down.
If you haven't read the latest Harry Potter, you won't know what I'm talking about. If you haven't finished it, do not read the fourth paragraph of this blog. It's not a big spoiler, but it mentions something that happens near the end of the book.
Umbridge is the quintessential bad authority figure. She never leads by example, she punishes those she dislikes and rewards her favorites. And- get this- every time an existing policy thwarts her plans, she immediately signs a new one into law, a.k.a. Animal Farm or, on a more pressing note, our administration. Strange what the Senate and House allowed Bush to pass right after 9/11... laws and powers that a more rational and thinking group of people would never have considered.
Anyway, back to Professor Umbridge. She knows less than her students, punishes the kids who point it out even if inadvertently. She is mean and conniving, and sees the possibility of her own advancement as the supreme goal of her every day. I've never hated a character in a book more, and now I realize why. J.K. Rowling is hitting a little close to home. At the end, when Umbridge is chased away from the school with one of the ghosts spanking her with a broom, well. 'Tis a lovely fantasy, one that may not be played out until 2008. But... someday.
Happy Dippy 4th of July, cyber-world. I hope today you will think of the over 200 Americans who have been killed in Iraq for a war based on lies. Geeze. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir on this blog, but it makes me feel better to write it.
If you haven't read the latest Harry Potter, you won't know what I'm talking about. If you haven't finished it, do not read the fourth paragraph of this blog. It's not a big spoiler, but it mentions something that happens near the end of the book.
Umbridge is the quintessential bad authority figure. She never leads by example, she punishes those she dislikes and rewards her favorites. And- get this- every time an existing policy thwarts her plans, she immediately signs a new one into law, a.k.a. Animal Farm or, on a more pressing note, our administration. Strange what the Senate and House allowed Bush to pass right after 9/11... laws and powers that a more rational and thinking group of people would never have considered.
Anyway, back to Professor Umbridge. She knows less than her students, punishes the kids who point it out even if inadvertently. She is mean and conniving, and sees the possibility of her own advancement as the supreme goal of her every day. I've never hated a character in a book more, and now I realize why. J.K. Rowling is hitting a little close to home. At the end, when Umbridge is chased away from the school with one of the ghosts spanking her with a broom, well. 'Tis a lovely fantasy, one that may not be played out until 2008. But... someday.
Happy Dippy 4th of July, cyber-world. I hope today you will think of the over 200 Americans who have been killed in Iraq for a war based on lies. Geeze. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir on this blog, but it makes me feel better to write it.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
It is possible that the blog I write tonight will not be much different from the journal entries I wrote when I was 14 years old. A great deal of me has changed, but the change is largely to do with what I feel is important. It has gone from an obsession with the various men in my life to an obsession of what is wrong on a more global scale. This is certainly improvement, but really, the basic issues of my life have remained unchanged. When I was 14, my family was both with me and not really with me at all, I was involved with a group of friends with whom I always felt an outsider, and there was never one person in my life who was a constant. I latched onto various people for a month or two, they became and Insta-Best Friend and then soon they or I would disappoint and I would look back and marvel at the close time spent.
Today? Well, I'm left to wonder why I don't have any close friends. My best friend Hayley is certainly close, and was my constant for some time, but I rebelled against it when it felt too suffocating and now she has her own constant, her boyfriend who lives with her. Once again, I have many friends at work, but none who I see often outside of work, and two friends who I considered very close not only didn't show up as promised to my birthday party, they seem to have utterly forgotten that it, or me, every happened.
I know I am to blame for this. I, more often than not, hedge at invitations because I'm afraid of committing my time. I don't really know why. But it alienates people, and then the 4th of July rolls around and I wonder why my phone isn't ringing with people who want to see me. I am 31 years old and have never built the community that my brothers did when they were much younger. Not only do I not have any friends from college, I have no friends from high school or junior high or even from the three years I spent in Los Angeles just before I moved to New York. It seems that I felt like not bringing anyone along, although sometimes I think of those people fondly.
What this comes down to, all of it, is the same thing I've been whining about since the dawn of this blog: my life is not what I want. I keep thinking that baring these honest, hurtful, and really, embarassing truths will inspire me to create change, but it doesn't seem to be working. I work too much, make too little money to live, cannot even afford my AEA and SAG dues so I can't go to auditions, I alienate people, I constantly choose solitude, I have no time to write other than my blog ramblings, I somehow refuse to create a community that would support me through these issues, and sometimes I don't even know how to take a first step in a different direction.
I do not want to join the Peace Corps if all it is is running away from the life I have that I do not want. It will not solve anything; it will only perpetuate me having to make a change here, in New York, in my American life. When I first applied, all I wanted to do was work in relief. Now I must be sure that I'm not just trying to run away.
Today? Well, I'm left to wonder why I don't have any close friends. My best friend Hayley is certainly close, and was my constant for some time, but I rebelled against it when it felt too suffocating and now she has her own constant, her boyfriend who lives with her. Once again, I have many friends at work, but none who I see often outside of work, and two friends who I considered very close not only didn't show up as promised to my birthday party, they seem to have utterly forgotten that it, or me, every happened.
I know I am to blame for this. I, more often than not, hedge at invitations because I'm afraid of committing my time. I don't really know why. But it alienates people, and then the 4th of July rolls around and I wonder why my phone isn't ringing with people who want to see me. I am 31 years old and have never built the community that my brothers did when they were much younger. Not only do I not have any friends from college, I have no friends from high school or junior high or even from the three years I spent in Los Angeles just before I moved to New York. It seems that I felt like not bringing anyone along, although sometimes I think of those people fondly.
What this comes down to, all of it, is the same thing I've been whining about since the dawn of this blog: my life is not what I want. I keep thinking that baring these honest, hurtful, and really, embarassing truths will inspire me to create change, but it doesn't seem to be working. I work too much, make too little money to live, cannot even afford my AEA and SAG dues so I can't go to auditions, I alienate people, I constantly choose solitude, I have no time to write other than my blog ramblings, I somehow refuse to create a community that would support me through these issues, and sometimes I don't even know how to take a first step in a different direction.
I do not want to join the Peace Corps if all it is is running away from the life I have that I do not want. It will not solve anything; it will only perpetuate me having to make a change here, in New York, in my American life. When I first applied, all I wanted to do was work in relief. Now I must be sure that I'm not just trying to run away.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
So, he's going to get re-elected, isn't he? I mean, it's just going to happen, right? So what does that mean for all of us who opposed him? Are our numbers really so small, so ineffective, so useless? Why can we not organize like they can? Why can't we make some decisions and take a stand or two?
Maybe we need to get the elixir that brainwashed everyone from Dennis Miller to the guy I met in a bar the other night who was a pro-Bush, pro-war, pro-life Republican. I thought people of my generation... well, never mind about that. There are too many right-wing student's groups, and too much money pouring in from the GOP to support them, for me to put any faith in those younger than I.
Well. More on this later. Gotta go get a massage.
Maybe we need to get the elixir that brainwashed everyone from Dennis Miller to the guy I met in a bar the other night who was a pro-Bush, pro-war, pro-life Republican. I thought people of my generation... well, never mind about that. There are too many right-wing student's groups, and too much money pouring in from the GOP to support them, for me to put any faith in those younger than I.
Well. More on this later. Gotta go get a massage.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
I've been in California for almost four days now, and I've accomplished two things: nine to ten hours of sleep a night, and a fantastic sunburn. The burn is fading, but the sleep does not get old. I was thinking about how miserable New York is, with the humidity and heat as it is, and wondering what the heat is like in Africa. Is it dry? Wet? And I know it gets cold and rainy at times... I'm already thinking about what I need to pack, and I haven't even been officially invited. That is probably months away. But I still can't help thinking about it.
Yesterday, Carole brought me to her garden class. This is not a class where one spends hours on their knees in dirt; quite the contrary, one walks around a particularly beautiful garden and house, and then drinks wine to finish the class. We visited a house that is almost beyond description in beauty and class, and well, in wealth. The money invested in the limestone floor in the bathroom could pay for all of my debt and more. But this woman is incredibly hard working, recently divorced, and obviously cares a great deal about her family- just like any of my own clan. She just has a gagillion dollars with which to accomplish her goals.
She also is opening a winery. I've thought about pursuing a job out here, perhaps long-term, or perhaps just for the harvest, and this year might be the one to do it. I've considered trying to find something for October and November, particularly if I leave for Africa in December. Again, I'm not banking on any of this, I'm just trying to create options for myself regardless of what this year will bring.
I'm sad to have missed Gay Pride in New York. Many of my friends are gay, and I would've like to celebrate with them over the weekend. Although had I been home, I would've worked the whole time, so better that I hang out at the pool and think simple thoughts. The great thing about being here is that it makes room in my mind to tackle whatever is next at home. For some reason, I can't even worry about how broke I am, can't even wonder how I'll recover from this or any vacation financially. It is worth it, on so many levels, to be here and sleep well and clear space in my psyche. I know I have to go back and catch up in French class, and work a billion shifts, and live in ridiculous humidity, but I can also go back refreshed and ready for inspiration and change. My time here is never boring or dull, even if we don't do that much. My time here is peaceful and recharging, and my Dad always suprises me with a few words that help me sort out my life.
I do miss my brothers, though. But we are off to San Francisco to shop for dresses for Ian and Tessa's wedding. This should be a good time.
Yesterday, Carole brought me to her garden class. This is not a class where one spends hours on their knees in dirt; quite the contrary, one walks around a particularly beautiful garden and house, and then drinks wine to finish the class. We visited a house that is almost beyond description in beauty and class, and well, in wealth. The money invested in the limestone floor in the bathroom could pay for all of my debt and more. But this woman is incredibly hard working, recently divorced, and obviously cares a great deal about her family- just like any of my own clan. She just has a gagillion dollars with which to accomplish her goals.
She also is opening a winery. I've thought about pursuing a job out here, perhaps long-term, or perhaps just for the harvest, and this year might be the one to do it. I've considered trying to find something for October and November, particularly if I leave for Africa in December. Again, I'm not banking on any of this, I'm just trying to create options for myself regardless of what this year will bring.
I'm sad to have missed Gay Pride in New York. Many of my friends are gay, and I would've like to celebrate with them over the weekend. Although had I been home, I would've worked the whole time, so better that I hang out at the pool and think simple thoughts. The great thing about being here is that it makes room in my mind to tackle whatever is next at home. For some reason, I can't even worry about how broke I am, can't even wonder how I'll recover from this or any vacation financially. It is worth it, on so many levels, to be here and sleep well and clear space in my psyche. I know I have to go back and catch up in French class, and work a billion shifts, and live in ridiculous humidity, but I can also go back refreshed and ready for inspiration and change. My time here is never boring or dull, even if we don't do that much. My time here is peaceful and recharging, and my Dad always suprises me with a few words that help me sort out my life.
I do miss my brothers, though. But we are off to San Francisco to shop for dresses for Ian and Tessa's wedding. This should be a good time.