mlwms

Sacramento

Posted 6:59 PM by Michelle

A desolate pool surrounded by empty chairs and a nodding, creaky "WARNING" sign that no one has thought to properly bolt down in years. A still, unseasonably hot afternoon, after hours in the car. A quiet walk to a small, dark hotel room with mismatched everything including a tired white duvet paired with a long brown velour body pillow.

The sadness of friends gone back to foreign lands, and a birthday party missed for a little one. The depression of looking in the mirror and seeing the same body, no matter how many torturous hours in the gym. The exhaustion of trying so hard to have fun the night before, when emptiness was the real order of business.

The cavernous maw of the week ahead, the stings of the week before, and an unsettled uncertain hope that guides what I do. Another evening of pouring over work at the bar of an unfamiliar restaurant in an unfamiliar town. Another weekend shaped around the work that spilled over from the last week.

The dread of a life long hoped for, and the yearning for something altogether different, again. The battle against loneliness, against anxiety.

And the going to bed, only to get up, to do what is expected, whatever is next. And the knowledge that, sometime soon, I'm going to snap.